The Pain Of Letting You Go

 In Featured Stories

Age 17, Jacksonville, Texas, USA

To the boy who once was my everything:

I hope you forgive me. We were 13 and so blindly in love. Middle school was the era of first loves and finding your path. I was stuck dead in the middle. I loved you, I love you so much.

Seventh grade was the year of frustration. I was caught trying to figure out my sexuality and what I wanted. I of course wanted you. But the idea of not knowing who I was, was absolute hell. We talked about it. I tried to explain to you the best I could, but the only thing you could gather from it all was that I didnt want you.

I’m now 17 in my junior year of high school. I still think of you.

We are so different now and it’s torn us apart. Even to this day, I stay up past midnight, sobbing out your name to  my bedroom walls. Hoping that maybe, just maybe you might call.

Its been four years. I should be over this. But when I lost you, it was like a piece of me died. I’m not one who is able to easily let go. It’s been said that first loves are usually the hardest, and my god, were they right.

Although it hurt me when you left, I beat myself up more for letting you leave. For taking you for granted. After you left, I identified myself as a lesbian. Because I told myself I could never love another man.

I still have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing, but I often think of you, wondering what youre doing and how you’re feeling. I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re happy. I don’t know if you’ve ever forgiven me. I don’t expect you to. But I hope you still remember the good memories, instead of how everything ended. Because we were so much more than a failed attempt to fly.

What did you learn?

Letting go can be a long path to walk down.

From: I Hope You Forgive Me

Dear “The Pain Of Letting You Go,”
Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us and for revealing what goes in your thoughts and when you’re alone behind closed doors.
We’re sending you a virtual hug!! The fact that you love/loved this boy and felt confused over your identity is not a flaw or wrong or bad or anything else other than the journey of life! It’s a great thing that you had the awareness to wonder, to question, and to seek answers!!!!!

The fact that you shared with him your secret and your confusion, that you trusted him with it, is also not something to feel badly about. From what we can tell from your letter, it left him feeling confused and rejected, when rejection was not even close to your intention.

None of this is your fault. In that moment, you did the best you could to explain what was going on with you.Sometimes, people don’t have the clarity or the maturity to a. listen b. to figure things out c. deal with their confusion d. ask questions e. set aside what’s going on in their own head to think about what the other person might be saying or experiencing. e. are dealing with things in their own life that the other person doesn’t know about, so that brings issues to the table, too.

It’s obvious you still care deeply about what happened and it’s had a huge influence on your life. We ache for you that you’ve spent many sleepless nights reliving the past and sobbing your eyes out. As you know, reliving the past NEVER CHANGES IT!

On this point, the only way to move past it is to forgive yourself for being a confused thirteen year old! Which, btw, is SO NORMAL! Everyone is confused about something, and sexual identity can easily be one of those things. Normal!!!

But what still wounds you is the loss of a very dear person, someone who meant so much to you, someone you shared something that made you tremendously vulnerable, someone you expected to understand. And he didn’t. Maybe that’s what you took for granted? The idea that he would understand? From your letter, you don’t seem at all to be a thoughtless person. If anything, you care deeply for others.

And that is what pains you the most. You believe that your confession and the fact that he walked away and thought that you didn’t love him HURT HIM SO MUCH! That, somehow, your confession betrayed him? And you let him go. Because you didn’t know what to say or how to react. You were feeling rejected, too. Yes?

So for all these years, you’ve wanted to clear the air. You’ve wanted him to know that what he thought wasn’t correct. But you’ve also been afraid, because what if you tell him that he misunderstood, that you did and do still love him and he rejects you? What if he doesn’t believe you? Again?! That would hurt you soooooo much! So, you suffer in silence. Alone.

Here are some ideas. 1. If he is the kind of guy who truly does have a good heart and you believe talking to him won’t harm you and it will help you both, then reach out to him and ask if you can talk with him. When that happens, you can tell him that you regret the confusion, the misunderstanding because, though you were questioning a lot about yourself, not loving him wasn’t true. You can ask for forgiveness for hurting him. But please know, you’ve been living in this space, replaying this story and he very well may have completely moved on. So explaining that it’s bothered you without any expectations of any particular reaction is critical. Know there are risks a. He could reject you. b. He could tell you that he has thought about you. c. He could say I’d like us to be friends. d. He could say…. (A million different scenarios.) If you do choose this, you need to love yourself enough to realize that he is a person and whatever reaction he has, that’s on him, not you. Be kind. Be honest, and hopefully, if you believe that’s the kind of person he is, too, that he will listen. Maybe the two of you could be friends again? Or not? 2. You let him go. Understand that you did the best you could. Let that thirteen-year-old girl off the giant fish hook that’s wedged in the back of your neck. Forgive her and work on loving the seventeen-year-old you! Move on and find happiness. Continue to figure out who you are, not based on that experience from the past, but from what’s going on NOW!

Please know that we care about you and we want you to live life without the emotional torture. You don’t deserve it! (We’re going to say that again: YOU DON’T DESERVE IT!) You’re a human being. Do the best you can. Live in the NOW, set goals for the future. Be proud of you. It’s our hope that you’ll be able to make peace with the past. If you do decide to speak with him again, no matter what, stay strong, kind, caring. Take care of you. If you do speak with him, we hope he’ll be understanding, forgiving, kind, and caring. But if he’s not, know that it’s a reflection on him, not you.


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