I Hurt You, You Hurt Me
Age 14, Seiko, Washington, USA
I hope you forgive me for hurting you.
We met in Fairfax. The second I saw you, I knew it was love. We never left each other’s side until we were forced apart. I hope you forgive me for leaving you behind. You made me so HAPPY! For once in my life I was happy.
When you got discharged, we talked a little. We got back together and after a little while you found someone new.
I hope you forgive me for giving you flashbacks of your dad’s death. I’m sorry. You kept telling me to forget you, but I knew I never would. I should have, I should have listened to you. I hope you forgive me for not listening to your warnings.
You told me you loved me then a few weeks later told me that I don’t know love. That stung and I got a sharper blade and cut deeper. When I lost you, I cut deeper and deeper every day. I hope you forgive me for showing you my cuts.
You came back two months later and begged for me back. I said no. I refused because of how badly you hurt me. I hope you forgive me for saying no…
I still love you…
Response:
I Hope You Forgive Me Dear “I Hurt You, You Hurt Me,”
Here’s a few things we’d like you to think about:
1. Happiness: It’s clear you felt a very strong connection to this boy and being with him brought many moments of happiness for you. But NO ONE can be responsible for another person’s happiness. No one. We need to own our happiness. We need to choose to do things that bring us joy. To rely on another person, to burden them with our happiness, is too much for any human being. Would you want to be responsible for making another person happy all the time? No. It’s not possible. We have to work on ourselves. We need to love ourselves first. NOTE: We’re not saying that another person can’t make another person happy. Friends, family, boyfriends and girlfriends can definitely impact happiness. But it’s not another person’s job. It’s all of ours to chose happiness for ourselves.2. Misery: All of us are vulnerable to be hurt by others and have the power to hurt someone else. But we get to choose if we’re going to find a way to work through the hurt. What are the messages that we’re giving ourselves or others? Are they filled with pain and hurt and anger and frustration and blame? Or are they filled with kindness, compassion, respect, forgiveness? When someone else dumps their misery on you by saying rude, cruel, mean things. STOP. Recognize it’s a reflection of their own misery. Don’t make it yours. They may release it on you, but step back. Really look at what it’s about. That person is miserable and you get to choose whether you want to let their misery stick to you.
Note: Forgiveness means deciding that what wounded us no longer has the power to bring us misery.
3. Kindness and compassion: Please, please be kind to yourself and compassionate to yourself. Hurting yourself or others either with words or by a physician act like cutting are the complete opposite of what you want. When it becomes a weapon to punish, intentionally or unintentionally, to hurt someone else or to hurt yourself, STOP! Stop. Please pause and stop. Ask yourself: Am I being kind? Am I being compassionate? Am I being loving to myself?
Wake up in the morning and say, “Today, I choose to be kind and compassionate to myself, to others.” That means ignoring the bully, dismissing the horrible things someone else may say or do, and choosing to be kind and compassionate to yourself or someone else.
4. Love: Yes, we can love another person at any age. We really believe this. But in order to love, one must understand that love is kind, compassionate and should never be used as a weapon to hurt another person. It should never be withheld as “punishment” or to manipulate another human being. Love means being vulnerable. Sometimes, it means that we’re going to be hurt. But love yourself first and foremost. Which means finding things in your life that bring you joy without another person making that happen.
Look at the sky – there are infinite positive possibilities! INFINITE! So find something that brings you joy. Rock collecting? Dance? Painting? Volunteering at an animal shelter? Collecting clothes for those in need? A church youth group? Reading? Baking? Poetry? Nature walks? Designing clothes? Sewing? Interviewing veterans? Writing fan fiction? (Seriously, there are endless possibilities. Find something that will bring you joy that doesn’t require another person to make you happy. Find an outlet. Because we can’t control what other people do, we need to find something for ourselves.)
We hope you find the strength to love yourself and to break those chains of misery that have hurt you. We hope you’re able to wake up in the morning and choose compassion and kindness, rather than blame. We hope you’ll find ways to be kind and loving to yourself. Take it upon yourself to do one small act a day for yourself, for another person, anonymously. We hope you choose to make yourself happy, instead or relying on someone else to do so.