No Excuse

Age 14,  Alabama, USA

I called you my brothers; I looked up to you; I trusted you. I will never know why you chose to rape me the night before my fifteenth birthday and, after years of wondering why, I’ve finally accepted that.

I blamed your intoxication for what you did, but as a recovering alcoholic I can honestly say I have never once had the same urge to do what you did. Drunken actions are sober thoughts and I finally understand that.

I still can’t handle the smell of Axe Chocolate or Old Spice Swagger without having an anxiety attack, but I am trying.

I still remember every single detail of that night. I have nightmares about it but I know now that’s all they are: just nightmares, because the love of my life would never let you hurt me again.

I don’t hate you anymore, I never did. If I had, I wouldn’t have changed my story so the police wouldn’t be able to press charges against you. I forgive you, but more importantly, I forgive myself because it was not my fault. I am not to blame.