I Know

Age 16, Virginia, USA

To my younger, fragile self:
I hope you forgive me
For the first time I used the blade from a pencil sharpener just to see why all the people I followed on social media were so hellbent on harming themselves
I know you thought that would be the last time; after all, it did nothing for you.

I hope you forgive me
For the second time, with a sharper blade and heavier heart, I etched a whole line of scratches into my leg
I know you thought it would be the last time, just a temporary release.

I hope you forgive me
For all the times the blades just kept getting sharper, the cuts deeper, and the thoughts darker
I know you thought each time would be the last time, as you always swore to yourself it would never happen again.

I hope you forgive me
For the times I ran out of room on the entirety of my legs and carved new scars into my wrists
I know you always thought it would be the last time; of course that’s what you had hoped.

I hope you forgive me
For the multitude of times you made sure to tell everyone just how much you loved them
I know you thought it would be the last, considering most nights were filled with the attempt to make it so.

I hope you forgive me
For every cut, burn, bruise, overdose, broken promise, tear stained pillow, and every sore spot I left in your heart
I know you always thought they would be your last; I had always hoped the same.

I hope you forgive me
For always telling you that you have no purpose, no future, and no one to care about you
I know you always thought it was true, but look at us now.